My Refuge

Forgive me Lord

2008-10-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I give you my heart broken and bruised
It's still beating strong and wanting to trust you
I know I'm unfaithful
I know I do wrong
Do you protect what you already own?
I give you my body
Naked and meek
Burning with passion
Human and weak
I try to be faithful
then I go wrong
Can you protect what you already own?
Can you protect what you already own?
I know I'm unfaithful
I know I do wrong
Do you protect what you already own?
I give you my life
Precious and rare
Knowing wherever I've been, you were there
Sometimes I'm faithful
Sometimes I'm strong
Will you protect what you already own?
I will be faithful
Help me be strong
'Cause you will protect what you already own

Thanks to Amy Grant for these words.

Thankfulness

2008-08-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

This afternoon when Ruby woke from her nap she was tearful and clingy so I put some music on and sat with her in my lap and sang.
I think this is fast becoming my favourite worship song. It makes me cry.

My Heart Is Filled with Thankfulness"Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart TownendCopyright © 2003 Thankyou Music

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who bore my pain;
Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace
And gave me life again;
Who crushed my curse of sinfulness
And clothed me in His light
And wrote His law of righteousness
With pow'r upon my heart.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose ev'ry promise is enough
For ev'ry step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To him who reigns above,
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace,
Whose ev'ry thought is love.
For ev'ry day I have on earth
Is given by the King;
o I will give my life, my all,
To love and follow him.

Work wonders

2008-08-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

I've been in my current job for almost 3.5 years. That time includes 6 months maternity leave and 5 months sick leave.
I've never felt like I fit there. I went from feeling like a competent nurse who was good at her job to being made to feel stupid on a daily basis. Things have improved some what but I still don't belong there and I don't think I made the right decision when I applied for the job. I never prayed about it, I just applied and thought that if it was meant to be it would be, and if it wasn't then I wouldn't get the job. However I'm not sure that's how it works. The problem is, I don't know what to do about praying for a job, how do you know that it's what God wants?
At the moment I'm thinking about applying to train as a midwife starting Autumn 2009. I've wanted to be a midwife since I started my training to be a nurse, but I haven't had the courage to go for it. At first I wanted to do the mw (midwifery/midwife) training straight after I qualified as a nurse but I decided to get some nursing experience first. Then before I applied for this job I'm in now I thought about it but decided to take this job instead of applying. Now I'm probably in the best position to do it. Next Autumn Ruby will be approaching 3. It's an 18 month course. They pay my salary while I do the course. I honestly think being a mw is my dream job!
So, here is my plan. On Monday I intend to call the MW manager on the post-natal ward in our hospital and ask if they are employing any nurses at the moment. They have some nurses working over there as well as mw. If I could get a job over there looking after the women post c-section it would be good experience and it would show that I am interested and keen to do that sort of work and it would look good on my application for the mw course. Now I just need to work out whether this is God's plan too.
That's where I'm stuck, I don't know how I will know if it's what God wants.

Purpose

2008-08-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

Or rather the purpose of this journal, is to focus my thoughts, prayers and bible study. A place where I can put down what I want to pray about and hopefully it will help stop my mind from wandering.

I'm not sure what sort of format this will take yet, it is probably going to be a work in progress for a while.

I have struggled greatly for quite a while, particulary since having our daughter 19 months ago. I had post-natal depression and I lost my way quite badly and fled from God, well from everyone really. The worst things was turning my back on God. He never left me though. I can see that now, looking back I can see that He was always there holding my hand and directing my path. Things could have gone so badly wrong but He protected me, even when I thought I was at my lowest He was lifting me up and sustaining me.
I'm not sure when it all changed exactly, I think God has been whispering in my ear for months now and I've been ignoring Him but recently He got louder and started to shout and I couldn't ignore Him anymore. Suddenly my heart desired to hear His Word, to pray, to meet with His people, things I haven't wanted to do for a long time. I feel like a different person, like I've been reborn even though that already happened when I was saved.
I don't want this feeling to go away, I want to please God, I want to do his will, I want to serve Him everyday in all I do. However I am weak and sinful and I fail. I'm selfish, I put myself first, all my good intentions aren't good enough. I need God's help to live the life He wants me to live.
I am bound to fail if I depend on myself. I need to learn to put everything in God's hands, all worries, all concerns, all hopes.

Today this verse has been weighing on my mind, I remember hearing the children memorise it at holiday bible club years ago, I guess I memorised it too.
"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
Each and every one of us, and all our sins are the same in God's eyes. Not one of us is better than another, none of us deserves His love and yet He gives it.

Last night I prayed for

K : a woman at work who isn't much older than I am but who has cancer and it is spreading. Her little boy is just a year older than Ruby. I pray she will be healed but more importantly I pray she will be saved.

Sarah, Mark and their almost-here baby! http://baby.sarahandi.com/

My brother who isn't saved and who is struggling with life. I don't know how to help him. If I speak to him about God he will turn away from me, he isn't open to the things of God, he is very anti religion etc.

And a family I know from my job. Their son who is 2 1/2 was 1 of twins born at 24 weeks, his brother died. They are expecting a baby any day now and have made it to full term. I pray that the birth of this baby is a wonderful and positive experience.

I want to pray for so much, but there is only so much I can give time to each day so instead or trying to fit so much into one prayer session I've decided to focus on a few specific issues each day.

Anyway enough rambling. It's time to pray and then sleep.

Goodnight x